I was brought up being told that St Christopher was the
patron saint of travellers. Infact when I was a child, everyone I knew had a
necklace with a little medallion with him on it. I was a Catholic, but I am
quite sure that you didn’t need to be in the ‘club’ for him to work his magic.
So where is he? I strongly suspect that he has been
excommunicated due to his abysmal track record, especially where the 7.08 train
from Beckenham Junction to Victoria is concerned.
Putting aside, for this blog anyway, my frustration with
Southern and South Eastern Rail services, (I have the dubious pleasure of using
both these companies for my commute into work), I want to rant about the Commuter.
Is it just me or perhaps my specific daily commute that
makes me confront, on a daily basis, a mixture of people who, frankly, should
either be on medication or seeking professional advice, but really should not
be amongst us unaccompanied? I am also quite sure that many of these people
hold down responsible jobs, captains of industry and the like. So what happens
to them as they wait on the platform, because that’s where it starts. The
jockeying for position as the train approaches, not allowing anyone off, just
incase they lose their square foot of platform. The over enthusiastic use of
shoulders to barge their way onto the train. Then there are the people on the
train - no please don’t move to let us on, even though there is room. They
stand there defending their spot, as if somebody’s life was at stake.
And if you are lucky enough to spot a seat, why do you
have to stand there whilst (sorry ladies) handbags are slowly moved onto laps,
and then comes the tut and ‘that’ look...for goodness sake you don’t pay for a
seat for your handbag, so move the darn thing.
Don’t get me started about overweight people taking up
half of the seat that I have managed to bag. I happen to be fairly slim, but I
still pay for a WHOLE seat, and having to squeeze into a space that a
contortionist would have a problem with, complete with my handbag, and to have
to sit there for the entire journey with everything squished in stressful,
although maybe good for my core muscles.
And there are the ones who talk loudly on their mobiles.
I have no desire to know the intimate details of your love life, (although
occasionally I listen up in case I may be missing out on a trick or two). I
also do not need to be a party to your arguments. Let’s face it at 7.08 in the
morning my brain is barely functioning, and whilst I admire the fact that you
can string pretty plausible arguments together, I have no desire to witness it.
On the subject of phones - if it rings ANSWER IT- the
entire carriage has heard it ring 5 times, we all know it’s yours, (commuters
develop their own pin point accurate radar system), so how come you do not know?
And then do not add insult to injury by allowing it to continue to ring whilst
you look at the screen to check out the number - just ANSWER IT!
I know it annoys some people when women apply make-up on
the train, but personally I find it quite useful to see the before and after as
well as pick up tips on what to use and how to apply, or not as the case may
be. Sometimes this is fairly scary, especially when you get the ‘what are you
looking at’ scowl. It’s free entertainment as far as I am concerned - get over
yourself.
I like music, all music really, but I don’t want to
listen to the tinny sound of noise
coming from your ear phones -invest in better ones, turn the volume down (you
will be deaf by the time you are 30), or sit ANYWHERE but near me.
Buy tissues! I have personally handed tissues to
commuters who have sniffed, sneezed and coughed their way through the journey.
I don’t want it, whatever you have, keep it to yourself! Did your mother never
tell you not to sniff - same rule applies on the train - you have not slipped
into a parallel universe for the journey where sniffing and the like are
acceptable. And why is it that no matter how hard I glare at you, you still sit
there sniffing, reading the Metro or playing with your phone, oblivious to my laser
stare boring into your skull?
Okay we know when it rains we need an umbrella, and on
the train the umbrella is closed, ladies we have this totally under control,
but men - it is an umbrella, it has a pointy end. It is not a jousting stick.
Keep the pointy end down. Avoid placing it under your arm like a newspaper where
the pointy end sticks out. I have seen many people almost lose eyes, stabbed in
the chest and other areas, and one lady had her handbag hooked. If you can’t
use it responsibly don’t use one and get wet instead, saving untold injuries to
your fellow travellers.
And when the train gets into the station, us poor people
who have stood the entire way are entitled to get off the train first, unless
we let you off. So sit down and WAIT. Being smug that you have a seat is fine
but don’t then expect us not to stamp our rights when we can, and don’t tut and
sigh heavily, just don’t...
Finally, Oyster Cards/Tickets - do not wait until you get
to the barrier to fish around in every pocket/handbag/briefcase that you
possess looking for it. It is annoying and causes us seasoned half awake
commuters to slam into the back of you as we are on robot mode, it is very early
and we are conditioned, and if you are a man with an umbrella you could kill
somebody...
I could go on and on. I haven’t covered people who bring
bikes onto crowded trains, people eating, beggars on train, reading over my
shoulder, the announcements, people with poor personal hygiene...
Perhaps I could do with some divine intervention, St
Christopher’s clearly MIA, so I googled it...and came up with Ekahau a Mayan
God of travellers and merchants, and so I have specifically appointed him to
rule over the 7.08 Beckenham Junction to Victoria.
May the force be with you.. Everything is OK on the Happy Carriage
